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Was I suffering from PTSD? I have no idea. It was a different lifestyle, in Iran. After a while I realized someone was always stalking me. Life was literally about going to sleep not knowing if you might die that night, because in order to fall asleep, I had to let my guard down for a few hours. That’s a different kind of sleep. I never let go completely, even then. I was always ready to snap awake in an instant.
It’s when you’re driving to work; you’re looking for someone who might want to shoot you. Everywhere you go – like the Bourne Identity, constantly in danger, same idea –In the book we’re not talking about fatalism, we’re not talking about the danger. We’re talking about loss of control.
I’m good at what I do. I’m used to getting things done, training people, At Alamut I realized I no longer had any control over the situation. I had to get out of there. I was living in a country where some people are willing to kill you to get what you have. It drains you, after a while. I was making great money, fulfilling my goal to support my family and do something that really helped people. But I was running on empty, and the dangers were overwhelming. I knew I was in danger, but I kept going, for years, until I had to stop. Self preservation finally kicked in. It was time to leave.